How Am I Not Myself?
If you've ever seen the movie I Heart Huckabees you know that this question plays a central role in the way that the main characters discover what is actually real about the lives that they live. Every now and then I'll throw this question into a conversation with a wink and a nod and those in the room who have seen the movie will laugh for a second, but the conversation continues because obviously it's not a real question, it's not like I'm looking for a real answer.
Tonight I want to tell you how I'm not myself.
I lead this really complicated life that finds me being at least 3 different people in different situations. If you're reading this you probably know that I work for a church, and if there's anywhere that you would expect someone to be 100% it would be church, but the thing that you aren't factoring in when you think that way is how a church actually works. Depending on the type of church most of the time you only really know about 50% of the people who are in leadership. Why?
Because if you really got to know us you'd run.
Well, that's probably not true, if you got to know us you'd probably stop beating yourself up and we'd probably all be able to finally speak freely.
You see when I'm at work I have to tow the company line. Support ideas and only give feedback when I'm asked directly so as to not upset all that God is "doing". When I am with my other associate staff members I'm not really able to be myself because if I really let what I thought or how I felt come through there's a chance that I'd cause some sort of division, and if that's what happens when I talk to the people on staff there's no way I can ever talk to those in the church about these things because the fall out would only be worse.
Here's the really sad part, when you're not really yourself in 80% of your life it makes it extremely difficult to be honest in the other 20% of your life. If you spend most of your week trying to figure out what you can and can't say, what emotions you can and can't express it makes it difficult to really just cut loose when you're with someone you can trust, like your wife or friends from out of town for instance (just for instance, I'm not talking from personal experience or anything...)
If you ask me this is really bad news.
Why? Because I don't think we were meant to live divided lives.
I've been reading this great book called The Gospel According to Moses, and in the second or third chapter the author talks about a prayer called the shema that the Jews would pray every day, the start of which comes from Deut 6. I haven't been able to get much passed the beginning of the prayer either which starts like this...
Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.
I think it's important for us to realize that the Lord is One. He's not two or three. He's not different things in different circumstances. He is one.
Now the author goes much deeper with this idea and what it means theologically, but I think I've figured out how I am not myself through the beginning of the shema. If I am made in God's image and I spend my entire life split. If who I am over here is not who I am over there then I am divided. I am not one, and this is not good, it causes much distress.
And why do I allow myself to be split? To protect myself? To protect another's wrong doing? To give people what they want? There is no freedom in that. There is no abundance in that kind of living.
Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.
Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever.
Tonight I want to tell you how I'm not myself.
I lead this really complicated life that finds me being at least 3 different people in different situations. If you're reading this you probably know that I work for a church, and if there's anywhere that you would expect someone to be 100% it would be church, but the thing that you aren't factoring in when you think that way is how a church actually works. Depending on the type of church most of the time you only really know about 50% of the people who are in leadership. Why?
Because if you really got to know us you'd run.
Well, that's probably not true, if you got to know us you'd probably stop beating yourself up and we'd probably all be able to finally speak freely.
You see when I'm at work I have to tow the company line. Support ideas and only give feedback when I'm asked directly so as to not upset all that God is "doing". When I am with my other associate staff members I'm not really able to be myself because if I really let what I thought or how I felt come through there's a chance that I'd cause some sort of division, and if that's what happens when I talk to the people on staff there's no way I can ever talk to those in the church about these things because the fall out would only be worse.
Here's the really sad part, when you're not really yourself in 80% of your life it makes it extremely difficult to be honest in the other 20% of your life. If you spend most of your week trying to figure out what you can and can't say, what emotions you can and can't express it makes it difficult to really just cut loose when you're with someone you can trust, like your wife or friends from out of town for instance (just for instance, I'm not talking from personal experience or anything...)
If you ask me this is really bad news.
Why? Because I don't think we were meant to live divided lives.
I've been reading this great book called The Gospel According to Moses, and in the second or third chapter the author talks about a prayer called the shema that the Jews would pray every day, the start of which comes from Deut 6. I haven't been able to get much passed the beginning of the prayer either which starts like this...
Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.
I think it's important for us to realize that the Lord is One. He's not two or three. He's not different things in different circumstances. He is one.
Now the author goes much deeper with this idea and what it means theologically, but I think I've figured out how I am not myself through the beginning of the shema. If I am made in God's image and I spend my entire life split. If who I am over here is not who I am over there then I am divided. I am not one, and this is not good, it causes much distress.
And why do I allow myself to be split? To protect myself? To protect another's wrong doing? To give people what they want? There is no freedom in that. There is no abundance in that kind of living.
Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.
Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever.
